I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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