I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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