He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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