I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
