well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
