i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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