I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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