So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
