Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
