Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
