There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
