i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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