omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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