Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
