i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
