Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
