Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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