how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
