M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
