I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
