i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
