I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
