The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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