i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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