i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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