Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
