I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
