When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
