she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
