You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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