Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
