Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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