well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
