No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
