Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize