The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
