I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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