omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
