Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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