saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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