Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
