I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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