I'm pants shitting drunk right now
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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