You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize