turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
