I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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