Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
