By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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