I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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