im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
