and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
