Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
