I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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