You smell like stripper and shame
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
