Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize