i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So much rum. So many feels.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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