i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
