i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize