sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
