In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize