hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
