I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
